[Anyone] A Day in the life of Joe Republican

[Thos Myers]

Day in the Life of Joe Middle-Class Republican
By John Gray Cincinnati, Ohio (with additions by Stewart)
Joe gets up at 6:00am to prepare his morning coffee. He fills his pot full
of good, clean drinking water because some liberal fought for minimum
water quality standards. He takes his daily medication with his first
swallow of coffee. His medications are safe to take because some liberal
fought to insure their safety and to work as advertised.
All but $10.00 of his medications are paid for by his employers medical
plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid
medical insurance. Now Joe gets it too. He prepares his morning breakfast;
bacon and eggs this day. Joes bacon is safe to eat because some liberal
fought for laws to regulate the meat-packing industry.
Joe takes his morning shower reaching for his shampoo. His bottle is
properly labeled with every ingredient and the amount of its contents
because some liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on
his body and how much it contained. Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a
deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some tree- hugging
liberal fought for laws to stop industries from polluting our air. He
walks to the subway station for his government-subsidized ride to work; it
saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees. You see,
some liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives
everyone the opportunity to be a contributor to society.
Joe begins his work day. He has a good job with excellent pay, medicals
benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some liberal
union members fought and died for these working standards. Joes employer
pays for these benefits because Joes employer doesnt want his employees to
call the union. If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed hell get a
worker compensation or unemployment check because some liberal didnt think
he should loose his home because of his on-the-job misfortune.
Its noontime, Joe needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay some bills.
Joes deposit is federally insured by the FSLIC because some liberal wanted
to protect Joes money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking
system before the depression.
When Joe drives in his driveway at his beautiful suburban home, he is
grateful for the quality construction and affordability of his "castle".
He had temporarily forgotten that it had been built using immigrant labor,
allowing his contractor to pocket several thousand dollars more profit on
each house he built. His Republican friends at the country club didnt seem
to be too concerned about it.
Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae underwritten mortgage and his below-market
federal student loan because some stupid liberal decided that Joe and the
government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money
over his lifetime.
On Saturday, Joe plans to visit his father at his farm home in the
country. He gets in his car for the drive to dads; his car is among the
safest in the world because some liberal fought for car safety standards.
He arrives at his boyhood home. He was the third generation to live in the
house financed by Farmers Home Administration because bankers didnt want
to make rural loans. The house didnt have electric until some big
government liberal stuck his nose where it didnt belong and demanded rural
electrification. (Those rural Republicans would still be sitting in the
dark)
He is happy to see his dad who is now retired. His dad lives on Social
Security and his union pension because some liberal made sure he could
take care of himself after retirement so Joe wouldnt have to. After his
visit with dad, he gets back in his car for the ride home. He turns on a
radio talk show, the hosts keeps saying that liberals are bad and
conservatives are good. (He doesnt tell Joe that his beloved Republicans
have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his
day)  Joe agrees, "We dont need those big government liberals ruining our
lives; after all, Im a self made man who believes everyone should take
care of themselves, just like I have".
That evening he goes out to dinner at his fine neighborhood restaurant
where immigrants who know how to cook his food and serve it in the most
professional manner tastefully prepare his meal. This very restaurant
nearly closed three years ago because he proprietor couldnt find willing
and competent employees among the "local population". (He wouldnt let them
play their video games during work hours.)  After dessert the owner came
over to Joes table to chat. When Joe asked him about his "illegals", the
owner replied that several of them had hired an immigration attorney to
help them obtain legal status and were told that it could take up to 15
years and thousands of dollars to acquire citizenship. In the mean time,
they would have to return to their home country. Joe hadnt heard anything
about this on Rush and Lou Dobbs. Oh well, he knows the food was good and
safe to eat because some liberal insisted on food safety standards rather
than leaving it up to the "free-marketers".

The Presidential Elections are coming up soon and Joe isnt sure what to
do. He cant vote for a woman or a Black, so that leaves out the Democrats.
Among the Republicans, Mitt is a Mormon and Joe was always taught that
Mormonism was a cult. McCain is from a border state and purports to
understand more about the immigration issue than his challengers! Gosh!
Joe turns on the TV and hears that Ralph Nader is considering a run! Oh
yeah! Thats the guy who turned the American auto industry on its ear and
made them install safety-belts! Holy Hell!! Whats a red-blooded American
to do?