[Anyone] oh, to be a republican:

[Thos Myers]

  (Author Unknown)
  "To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public."
                                                        - Theodore Roosevelt
  - Being A Republican -
- Make The Pie Higher -
- The Quotable President -

Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime,
unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an
illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

The United States should get out of the United
Nations, and our highest national priority is
enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

Government should relax regulation of Big Business
and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use
marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

"Standing Tall for America'" means firing your
workers and moving their jobs to India.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her
own body, but, multi-national corporations can make
decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of
homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise
the troops in speeches while slashing veterans'
benefits and combat pay.

Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless
you someday run for governor of California as a
Republican.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents
won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our
long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and
money.

HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of
the public at heart.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy.
Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk
science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad
guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when
Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush
needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an
impeachable offense.  A president lying to enlist
support for a war in which thousands die is solid
defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named
in the Constitution, which include banning gay
marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's
cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is
none of our business.

You support states' rights, which means Attorney
General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter
initiatives they have a right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital
national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is
irrelevant.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is
communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital
to a spirit of international harmony.      This is a short poem made up entirely of actual quotations from George W. Bush. These have been arranged, only for aesthetic purposes, by Washington Post writer, Richard Thompson.

MAKE THE PIE HIGHER

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen and uncertainty
And potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the Internet
Become more few?

How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.

I know that the human being
And the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope,
Where our wings take dream.

Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher!
Make the pie higher!
The "Quotable" George W. Bush

 "I am mindful of the difference between the executive branch and the legislative branch. I assured all four of these leaders that I know the difference, and that difference is they pass the laws and I execute them." --Washington, D.C., Dec. 18, 2000

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" --Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

"They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program." --St. Charles, Mo., Nov. 2, 2000

"I will do everything in my power to restrict abortions." -- George W. Bush, Dallas Morning News, October 22, 1994

"I saw the report that children in Texas are going hungry. Where? You'd think the governor would have heard if there are pockets of hunger in Texas." -- George W. Bush, whose state ranks 2nd in total number of children living in poverty, to Austin American, Statesman, 12/18/99

" Please," Bush whimpers, his lips pursed in mock desperation, "don't kill me." -- Bush mocking what Karla Faye Tucker said on Larry King when asked, "What would you say to Governor Bush?" prior to her execution by lethal injection as reported by Talk Magazine, September 1999

"Sitting down and reading a 500-page book on public policy or philosophy or something." --Bush naming something he isn't good at, Talk magazine, September 1999.

"What I'm against is quotas. I'm against hard quotas, quotas that basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society."
-- George W. Bush (Austin American-Statesman 3/23/99)

"It's not the governor's role to decide who goes to heaven. I believe that God decides who goes to heaven, not George W Bush." -- George W. Bush

"The legislature's job is to write law. It's the executive branch's job to interpret law." --Austin, Texas, Nov. 22, 2000

"As far as the legal hassling and wrangling and posturing in Florida, I would suggest you talk to our team in Florida led by Jim Baker." --Crawford, Texas, Nov. 30, 2000

"They misunderestimated me." --Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

"If this were a dictatorship it would be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I was the dictator." George W. Bush, 1/19/00

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case." --Pella, Iowa, as quoted by the San Antonio Express-News, Jan. 30, 2000

"They said, 'You know, this issue doesn't seem to resignate with the people.' And I said, you know something? Whether it resignates or not doesn't matter to me, because I stand for doing what's the right thing, and what the right thing is hearing the voices of people who work." --Portland, Ore., Oct. 31, 2000

"...if I'm the one, when I put my hand on the Bible, when I put my hand on the Bible, that day when they swear us in, when I put my hand on the Bible, I will swear to not--to uphold the laws of the land." --Toledo, Ohio, Oct. 27, 2000

"That's a chapter, the last chapter of the 20th, 20th, the 21st century that most of us would rather forget. The last chapter of the 20th century. This is the first chapter of the 21st century." --On the Lewinsky scandal, Arlington Heights, Ill., Oct. 24, 2000

"It's going to require numerous IRA agents." --On Gore's tax plan, Oct. 10, 2000