[Anyone] America's Best Fiends - 2007; 50 Most Loathsome People in America (PT2)

[Thos Myers]

>   25. Mormon Jesus
>   Charges: Least plausible Jesus. We heard his brother is the devil -- OMG! Won't even let his flock
have a cup of coffee in the morning -- what a jerk. As with any celebrity comeback, lacks the oomph
of the glory years. Won't stop baptizing dead people from other religions, which they generally don't
appreciate as much as he thinks.
>   Exhibit A: Loves Mitt Romney, Harry Reid, and Glenn Beck. And magic long johns.
>   Sentence: Interrupted during the game by Mormon missionaries.
>   24. Deryk Schlessinger
>   Charges: As enlistee son of holier-than-thou guru/right-wing physiologist and faux
psychologist "Dr." Laura, maintained a MySpace page so clearly venting the kind of homicidal and
misogynistic psychopathies of service in Afghanistan that an Army spokesman had to baselessly
imply that it was the work of "our enemies" just to slow a well-deserved backlash. An eager war
pornographer, he produced and captioned a series of images and cartoons illuminating the
disturbing inner viciousness his acting out it is our patriotic duty to ignore.
>   Exhibit A: "Yes FUCKING Yes!!!I LOVE MY JOB, it takes everything reckless and deviant and
heathenistic and just overall bad about me and hyperfocuses these traits into my job of running
around this horrid place doing nasty things to people that deserve it..and some that don't."
>
> Sentence: Simulated drowning, followed by actual drowning.
>   23. Bill O'Reilly
>   Charges: If judgmentalism were sugar, anyone in the same city as this paragon of intellectual
overconfidence would lose their teeth within five minutes. O'Reilly is everything that's wrong with
America: Won't ever admit he was wrong about anything (and will lie repeatedly rather than correct
himself), accuses all who disagree with him of treason or insanity, attacks all who criticize him, and
glories in his own troglodytic bluster. Anoints himself an authority on morals, despite common
knowledge that he is a sexual harasser. Pretends to be an "independent" who just happens to look,
sound, and act exactly like a Republican. Hasn't engaged in a valid exchange of ideas in his entire
career, because he knows he'd be crushed in seconds by an average college freshman. O'Reilly wins
by interrupting, shouting, and if all else fails, cutting off his opponent's microphone. A tiny, scared
child of a man.
>
> Exhibit A: "And this is what white America doesn't know, particularly people who don't have a lot of
interaction with black Americans. They think that the culture is dominated by Twista, Ludacris, and
Snoop Dogg." Gee Bill, where would they get that idea?
>   Sentence: Marinated, barbecued, and served at Sylvia's restaurant in Harlem, where the blacks eat
just like real people.
>   22. David Petraeus
>   Charges: Two-star schlub elevated to four-star cheerleader, because all the experienced
generals retired out of shame or dignity. Under Dave's leadership training Iraqi security forces from
2004-05, the Pentagon lost track of approximately 30% of weapons distributed, including some
100,000 AK-47 assault rifles. "Petraeus Report" rife with statistical manipulations, discounts pre-
surge trends, claiming them as its own, and was heavily vetted, if not written entirely, by the White
House.
>   Exhibit A: Nicknamed "Peaches." Seriously.
>   Sentence: Joins Sadr army, betraying us and vindicating Moveon.org. Shot in back of head, so his
death can't be counted as a casualty.
>   21. David Vitter
>   Charges: And yet another family values Republican and Clinton-basher gets his glass house
blown in. A staunch marriage defender and abstinence promoter who paid $300 an hour for his
favorite hooker? The only surprise there is that he's still hanging around the Senate, but then again,
he did say he was sorry. Denies evolution, yet was still compelled by his primate DNA to spread his
seed far and wide.
>   Exhibit A: According to some, Vitter was nicknamed "the shitter" by Canal Street whores for his
predilection for diaper play. Wholesome!
>   Sentence: Wife follows through on that Lorena Bobbitt comment she made during the Lewinski
scandal.
>   20. Larry Craig
>   Charges: This year's eminent toe-tappin' conservative queen of hypocrisy. Thought the Defense
of Marriage Act was FABULOUS! -- because he personally needs legislation to keep him straight.
Didn't work. Brought unwanted knowledge of the intricate culture of anonymous gay public restroom
sex into America's living rooms. Embodies both the cause and result of faith-based sexual
repression. Insists on dragging out the least plausible public denial of buggery since Liberace's,
presumably for the benefit of his frozen-smiled, slowly maddening wife.
>   Exhibit A: "I am not gay. I never have been gay."
>   Sentence: Stoned to death.
>   19. Robert E. Murray
>   Charges: A modern-day Boss Tweed who saw the Grandall Canyon mine disaster as his own
personal tragedy, weeping for the cameras while he tried to cover his ass in the most ridiculous way
imaginable, insisting his mine collapsed due to an earthquake that somehow went undetected by
seismologists, rather than the corner-cutting, cash-wringing, dangerous practice of retreat mining.
This bloated, maniacal jackass is so out of touch that he didn't seem to recognize the horrified
disgust on the faces of the miners' families he coddled for the cameras, as if they weren't real people
to him, just props in some insane, ego-driven PR campaign to minimize his financial liability. A
caricature of industrial greed.
>   Exhibit A: Says Al Gore is "more dangerous than global warming."
>   Sentence: Buried upside down in anthracite until death, while Donald Trump stands next to his
feet and gives hourly speeches about how much he cares about it.
>   18. Kevin Martin
>   Charges: Before attempting to Chairpig the FCC into a realm of media consolidation that would've
made Sylvio Berlusconi blush, Martin served as Deputy General Counsel for the Bush-Cheney 2000
Florida recount team, and prior to that as Ken Starr's assistant and Dick Cheney's lawyer. Judging by
his appearance today, he must have passed the bar at twelve. Like a good Bushie, Martin is doing
everything he can -- which is a lot -- to increase corporate control of the media, moving to allow
newspapers to own radio and TV stations despite constant exhortations from everyone but Rupert
Murdoch not to do so.
>   Exhibit A: When he's not busy crushing independent media, Martin crusades against America's
true enemies: Tits and the word "fuck."
>   Sentence: Asphyxiated in cloud of Monsanto-produced poison his Newscorp-owned local news
station failed to report. Death also unreported.
>   17. Hillary Clinton
>   Charges: Began in politics as a teenage Nixon supporter -- that's twisted. Moved on to corporate
law, representing Wal-Mart and bravely defending Coca-Cola from disabled employees. Married out
of ambition. Failed miserably as the first lady of health care. Has spent whole of senatorial career as a
hawk and a panderer. Would have no shot at becoming president if she didn't just happen to be
married to one already.
>   Exhibit A: Has deftly avoided the flip-flopper label -- by never, ever answering a question
directly or committing to a position in the first place.
>   Sentence: Victim of vast right wing conspiracy to shove a brick up her ass.
>   16. Chris Matthews
>   Charges: Calling his show "Hardball" is like rechristening ping-pong "Thermonuclear Warfare."
Displays the slurred, unmodulated speech and unfocused antagonism of an aggrieved middle-
management drunk. Can read a scurrilous political attack into any paragraph at twenty paces.
Continues honing his pointless questions as his guests attempt to answer, cutting them off with an
affected imperial weariness when their responses are insufficiently inane. Apparently ignorant of the
implications of satellite technology, Matthews shouts louder at geographically more distant guests.
Has repeatedly called Ann Coulter "brilliant." Referred to Gerald Ford's yuletide demise as the former
president's "Christmas card to the country." Unable to laugh like a normal human, Matthews
compensates by simply shouting "ha!"
>   Exhibit A: "This country is based on generalizations!"
>   Sentence: Hillary's White House Press Secretary and personal toilet steward.
>   15. Michael Ledeen
>   Charges: Alex Jones with influence. Achieved every pushcart conspiracist's dream, finding a
sympathetic ear, over three decades, in the highest echelons of government, for his deranged
ambitions of conquest. Hirsute and cockeyed, he still looks like he sleeps in his car. A former Iran-
Contra functionary and tied to the Niger yellowcake forgeries which set both the Iraq war and the
Valerie Plame debacle in motion, he now has a jingoistic hard-on for Tehran the size of a tactical
nuke. One of many who now pretend they didn't advocate invading Iraq, but Ledeen's denial is utterly
laughable, as he had been pushing for the invasion vociferously for years.
>   Exhibit A: "The only way to achieve peace is through total war."
>   Sentence: Let him eat yellowcake.
>   14. Glenn Beck
>   Crimes: If Fox News isn't quite asinine enough for you, just click on over to Headline News, where
the CNN brand is eagerly defiling its vestigial credibility by giving an hour a day to the dumbest
dumbfuck in dumbfuckistan, Glenn Beck. A white-knuckle, dry drunk, closet case man-child with
apparent xenophobia issues and a penchant for end-times theology, Mormon convert Beck is
palpably horny for the apocalypse, passive-aggressively accusing even the world's most benign
Muslims of plotting America's destruction and likening withdrawal from Iraq to slavery. Beck's
combination of faux everyman persona and deliberate misinformation -- The hottest year on record
was 1934 (actually 2005), tax cuts increase revenue (patently false Reaganomic mysticism),
Antarctica is cooling, Scooter Libby went to jail -- seems increasingly insane, as his whole persona
seems to be a frantic pantomime of how he thinks an even-keeled, "smart" bigot would act. Thinks
Al gore is "like Hitler." May
>  actually be in love with the president of Iran.
>   Exhibit A: "I don't know if the Muslim community will ever step to the plate like the Japanese-
American community did during World War II. You know, it was absolutely disgraceful how we
rounded innocent people up then and, sadly, history has a way of repeating itself no matter how
grotesque that history might be. The Muslim community can prevent this if they act now."
>
> Sentence: Anchored to the Florida shore, Beck is forcibly compelled to vigorously deny the gradual
rise of water levels around him as boats full of gay, Marxist Muslim illegal immigrants arrive and
disembark nearby. Eventually, after two decades, Beck drowns.
>   13. Anne Coulter
>   Charges: A skeletal freak who hates the world and lives to anger people into buying her books.
Says Jews need to be "perfected," as if Christians are in better shape. Is against her own right to vote.
Called John Edwards a faggot, when really he's just a little swishy. Is about as sexy as a preying
mantis. If Coulter were a man, she'd never be allowed on TV.
>   Exhibit A: "Faggot isn't offensive to gays; it's got nothing to do with gays."
>   Sentence: Forced marriage to Osama bin Laden.
>   12. Michael Vick
>   Charges: Abusing, strangling, electrocuting and murdering a promising NFL career -- and some
dogs. Reinforces noxious stereotypes about both jocks and black men. Inspired Whoopi Goldberg to
express an opinion.
>   Exhibit A: Makes millions for throwing ball, decides to invest in gambling on dog fights. How
much dumber do people get than this?
>   Sentence: Slathered in barbecue sauce and set loose naked in a PETA-operated shelter for vicious
dogs.
>   11. Harvey Levin
>   Charges: Managing leech of TMZ.com, the Time Warner-AOL crap-fest. Slithered over to TV this
year-to fill the demand of a culture craven for meaningless celebrity antics and snapper shots.
Celebrities aren't the problem; the fact that you know about their daily minutia is. In other words,
Levin is the problem.
>   Exhibit A: He's rich because you're stupid.
> Sentence: Marriage to non-airbrushed Britney Spears.   10. Alberto Gonzales
>   Crimes: The most truckling, amoral flunky to ever serve as Attorney General. A jurisprudent
organelle, he manifests no concept of the law independent of its expediency to the president. Would
smilingly accuse himself of providing material support to al Qaeda at President Bush's request,
hurriedly plead guilty, sign his own death warrant and flip the switch himself. His testimony before
congressional committees is to public service what cholera is to the small intestine. As first Hispanic
Attorney General, Gonzo typifies the self-betrayal and ethical compromise necessary for minorities
to become successful Republicans. Been felching sweet approval from Bush's lily-white ass since
Texas. A conscienceless, memo-drafting, loophole-crafting liar for hire, pushing for all the worst
administration policies, including nixing habeas corpus, denying and then defending rendition,
torture, political firings, and a ton of other evil stuff. He even visited a seriously ill and
>  disoriented John Ashcroft at the hospital, attempting to coax him into reauthorizing a clearly
illegal wiretapping program. The only Attorney General who ever could have made John Ashcroft a
sympathetic character by contrast.
>   Exhibit A: "The fact that the Constitution -- again, there is no express grant of habeas in the
Constitution. There is a prohibition against taking it away."
>   Sentence: Death by dull guillotine, head bent by Beckham.
>   9. You
>   Charges: You believe in freedom of speech, until someone says something that offends you. You
suddenly give a damn about border integrity, because the automated voice system at your pharmacy
asked you to press 9 for Spanish. You cling to every scrap of bullshit you can find to support your
ludicrous belief system, and reject all empirical evidence to the contrary. You know the difference
between patriotism and nationalism -- it's nationalism when foreigners do it. You hate anyone who
seems smarter than you. You care more about zygotes than actual people. You love to blame people
for their misfortunes, even if it means screwing yourself over. You still think Republicans favor
limited government. Your knowledge of politics and government are dwarfed by your concern for
Britney Spears' children. You think buying Chinese goods stimulates our economy. You think you're
going to get universal health care. You tolerate the phrase "enhanced interrogation techniques." You
think the
>  government is actually trying to improve education. You think watching CNN makes you smarter.
You think two parties is enough. You can't spell. You think $9 trillion in debt is manageable. You
believe in an afterlife for the sole reason that you don't want to die. You think lowering taxes raises
revenue. You think the economy's doing well. You're an idiot.
>   Exhibit A: You couldn't get enough Anna Nicole Smith coverage.
>   Sentence: A gradual decline into abject poverty as you continue to vote against your own self-
interest. Death by an easily treated disorder that your health insurance doesn't cover. You deserve it,
chump.
> 8. Michael Chertoff   Charges: Looks and acts like a man who sleeps in a coffin. As the head, or
should we say skull, of our latest redundant security bureaucracy, the Department of Homeland
Security, Chertoff used 2007 to further Rumsfeld's purportedly defunct policy of "Total Information
Awareness," ordering U.S. military satellites be trained on American soil for first time in history.
Beyond that, DHS seems to function as a corruption farm, spending billions on programs that either
don't work or are never implemented, often lobbied for by former DHS employees. If the terror
threat really is as dire as Chertoff says, then he is criminally negligent.
>   Exhibit A: Habitually references his "gut feeling" that the next terror attack is imminent.
> Sentence: Gut feeling is actually stomach cancer.   7. Erik Prince
>   Charges: Priming Baghdad's streets for American imperialism by making them pristinely wog-
free. Prince's Iraq is one massive free-fire zone for his bullet-sweating mercenaries, a Hogan's Alley
in which everyone dusky is blithely expendable, rape is a mischievous dalliance, and accountability
an inside joke. Remarkably, enabling the US occupation and simultaneously fomenting destabilizing
enmity. Bringing the privatization of warfare to full fruition -- next time, Exxon can just invade a
country directly.
>   Exhibit A: Blackwater Vice Chairman Cofer Black is Mitt Romney's campaign counterterrorism
policy adviser. The company's website also hawks infant onesies.
>   Sentence: Tanned and tethered outside Baghdad's Green Zone after curfew. Whatever happens,
happens.
>   6. Rudy Giuliani
>   Charges: 9/11 Tourette's syndrome, compounded by compulsive lying. Despite the '93 WTC
bombing, didn't act to put all first responders on the same radio frequency and chose to house his
Emergency Command Center on the 23rd floor of WTC 7. Giuliani Partners consulting firm routinely
did business with a Qatar ministry run by royal Abdallah bin Khalid al-Thani, a man whose farm has
seen guests the likes of Khalid Sheikh Muhammad and Osama bin Laden. Wooed mistress and future
wife with an NYPD chauffeur and trips to Southampton on NYC taxpayers' dime. Ruined the prospect
of a Times Square tug-job.
>   Exhibit A: Stages phone calls from his wife during campaign stops-to show 'em he's got family
values. Family values apparently do not include rudimentary put-it-on-vibrate cell phone etiquette.
Invoked 9/11 to explain this.
>   Sentence: Victim of the next 9/11, which consists of two radio-controlled hobby planes
smashing into his face.
>   5. Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid
>   Charges: Graduates of the Neville Chamberlain school of appeasement, the Democratic leadership
continues to ignore the constitution-and the American people-by keeping impeachment "off the
table" and refusing to defund the war. True pushovers, they're too stupid, cowardly, weak and
outmatched politically to accomplish anything substantive, their "strategy" essentially boiling down to
whining a lot while handing Bush whatever the hell he wants. There is just no way that appearing this
weak and ineffectual could be any better for them politically than impeachment. Everything that the
White House gets away with, it gets away with because congress allows it.
>   Exhibit A: Failure to woo the two thirds majority needed to override a presidential veto is moot:
They could defund the war with a 41-senator budgetary filibuster. But that would take guts and
conviction.
>   Sentence: 2 cups anthrax bisque.
>   4. Seung-Hui Cho
>   Charges: A useless fucking nerd who shot a bunch of better people because he couldn't get laid.
Take note, all you pent-up losers out there: If you think you're about to go on a murderous
rampage, either take up a drug habit, find a hooker, or just kill yourself. Your inability to cope with a
comfortable life in a developed nation is nobody else's fault, except maybe your parents. Nothing
says "I have a tiny penis" like a douchebag taking pictures of himself with a gun.
>   Exhibit A: Cho's infamous "disturbing" stories are only disturbing in how completely terrible they
are, but now every kid with an imagination is going to be hauled off to the nuthouse if he expresses
himself.
>   Sentence: Used as kindling at bonfire kegger for rich, popular kids.
>   3. Fred Phelps
>   Charges: Leads a picketing campaign so hyperoffensive that his Church is unanimously reviled by
queers and Bible thumping homophobes alike. Along with daughter Shirley, will drag hate into the
public spotlight wherever it might seem least helpful or appropriate as long as it garners his "cause"
attention. Harasses widows of heterosexual soldiers at funerals because their beloved were
employed by a government that does not stone fags. Torments loved ones of those murdered in
anti-gay violence. Is almost definitely gay himself.
>   Exhibit A: He is such an effective, soul-sucking brainwasher that Fred's granddaughter declines
relationships because of her delusion that world will end in her lifetime.
>   Sentence: Finally comes out of closet and is immediately killed by his followers.
>   2. Dick Cheney
>   Charges: Worst president ever. So openly horrible, he now makes jokes about being Darth Vader.
Unashamedly advocating for executive abuse of power and corporate theft. In and out of public office
since his congressional internship during the Nixon Administration. Didn't care about the quagmire
he foresaw in '94, because since then he'd deftly maneuvered to profit from it. Polling lower than
HPV.
>   Exhibit A: His Halliburton stock rose 3000% in 2007. No joke.
>   Punishment: Raped by the sun.
>   1. George W. Bush
>   Charges: Is it a civil rights milestone to have a retarded president? Maybe it would be, if he were
ever legitimately elected. You can practically hear the whole nation holding its breath, hoping this
guy will just fucking leave come January '09 and not declare martial law. Only supporters left are the
ones who would worship a fucking turnip if it promised to kill foreigners. Is so clearly not in charge
of his own White House that his feeble attempts to define himself as "decider" or "commander guy"
are the equivalent of a five-year-old kid sitting on his dad's Harley and saying "vroom vroom!" Has
lost so many disgusted staffers that all he's left with are the kids from Jesus Camp. The first
president who is so visibly stupid he can say "I didn't know what was in the National Intelligence
Estimate until last week" and sound plausible. Inarguably a major criminal and a much greater threat
to the future of America than any Muslim terrorist.
>   Exhibit A: "And there is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust
that exists in this town. And I'm sorry it's the case, and I'll work hard to try to elevate it."
>   Sentence: Dismembered, limbs donated to injured veterans.
>
> ---------------------------------
>     Written by Allan Uthman, Ian Murphy, Paul Jones and Tyler Bass
>   Illustrations by Ian Murphy
>
>
> ---------------------------------
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>



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